tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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