I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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