I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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