It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
