his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
