Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
