Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
