I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
