You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize