I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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