my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
