apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
