It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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