Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
