Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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