One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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