Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
