I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
