why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
