Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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