he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
