so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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