dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
