i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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