if i can run in heels then i can drive
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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