just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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