my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
