I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
