Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
