Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
