I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Im part way to drunk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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