He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
