oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
