I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
