i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I deserve this hangover.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
