Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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