First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
