i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
