Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
