Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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