tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
