He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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