I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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