I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
