I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
