Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
