I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
