her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
