I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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