I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
