I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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