K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
