You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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