There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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