Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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