My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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