i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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